Hello, my love…
For the first time, I speak of you openly, before everyone. I know full well this goes against everything we believed in.
We protected our bond and kept our secret for so many years; a bond that was never meant to see the light. Now, it is buried.
“I am Bilal’s big secret”, unknown to anyone in my true shape. Our story was always postponed, waiting!
Thirteen days have passed my love and here I am, walking this road alone. I, who leaned on you for even the smallest things, still haven’t allowed myself to mourn you, my love.
A great hope would sweep over me every second, waiting, waiting tirelessly for so long.
You whisper to me, “A week, and I’ll stand up on my feet for you my love”.
I laughed, laughed so much, for you had never lied to me.
And for the next following four days, I lived alone, still hoping that you recover.
I cried beside you. I wept with deep fear. My heart trembling whenever I thought that you are leaving this life. While my tears were dropping, I asked, “didn’t you tell me you’ll be fine! Didn’t you say that the war will not harm you?”
And you replied, “here I am, right in front of you. Though I have been bombed but yet I am still alive. Did you see anything happening to me?” We laughed together. You repeated, “I swear to you, I’ll get up. For you, I will”.
I felt happy, very happy that I departed with my heart full of hope. I thought to myself, only a week and you’ll get up on your feet. I believed you.
Bilal knows everything. He is an expert in in everything.
He understands every matter and the time when it unfolds. He knows all the news.
I’m almost certain that he was even aware when this cursed war would end. So when he told me, after his injury, that he’d be back soon, I believed him.
Simply because Bilal knows everything and because whatever he says is true, I believed that he guided towards what was right. This is how I knew Bilal always! He is never mistaken. He never lies.
Everybody knew you would leave; everyone except me. I sticked to an illusional hope, reshaping every bit of news to fit with what I wished.
If you only told me just once that you were leaving. If we had ever spoken about the possibility of your departure together. If you had just given me a clue once on what to do when such a moment comes!
Maybe then, maybe, I would have accepted that differently. I don’t know, or maybe, ith is just that I so thought.
But such an idea never came into our heads… not even as a joke! It never even crossed my imagination. You always told me and for nine continuous months, “don’t worry, I’m not dying in this war; how could I ever leave you?”
And, indeed I believed you as I always did my love.
The doctor said, “Bilal’s condition is almost 80% critical” and didn’t finish his sentence.
Then he continues, “but there might still be some hope”.
I ignored the first part of his sentence sticked to the second part, “there might still be hope”.
Oh, God! How painful hope can be!
Oh, God! Look how such a hope is burning in me.
When your father passed away, I cried. I cried as if I were discovering tears for the first time. I nearly lost my mind when I heard the news. Oh God! So heavy it was.
I didn’t know how I would look at you afterward as I was hiding the truth from you. My heart nearly broke every time I thought of you!
“What will happen to you if you found out that he was killed? I won’t be able to bear seeing Bilal heart-broken”. A day after, I sat close to you. Although nobody had still told you yet, but you felt that deep in your heart.
I cried. You asked me, “why are you crying today when yesterday you were fine”!
I could not say anything my love. What do you want me to tell you?! That your father was gone?
Oh God!
At that same day, and in the middle of the night I received a message from you saying, “is my father a martyr now? Please tell me; I beg you”.
“No”, I answered.
Bilal insisted on asking, “I won’t forgive you if you don’t tell me the truth”.
My tears started flowing as if I felt real sadness for the first time in my life.
What is all this pain?
Where was it all hiding?
Oh God!
Three days passed. My love left this world.
I have never imagined that one day I shall see this moment when you leave and face all this pain.
How can I forget?!
How will my wound heal?!
How can I forget all that?!
Since that moment, I haven’t cried, not really. Maybe a single, fleeting tear dropped but no words are left to say.
Since that day, I barely recognize myself.
I talk to my love all the time just like I always did.
I haven’t cried. He took my heart with him. He left me feelingless.
That’s why I haven’t cried since then.
I talk to him. I smile while looking at his photos when he last celebrated his twenty-fifth birthday.
He told me then, “This is the best day of my life”.
He never liked to share his personal moments.
Forgive me my love for what I’m doing now. I know you wouldn’t like that.
But my mind is restless and cannot calm down.
I pray. I pray so much more than did throughout my entire life.
I pray as if I’m discovering prayer for the first time.
I know that deeper pain is still to come. It is just now hiding in a corner somewhere. Our love, my love, has always exhausted us, yet we never let it go.
I know Bilal better than anyone. It is so difficult for anybody else to understand.
Nobody knew him better than me.
Nobody witnessed his moments of weakness but me.
No one comforted him in his sadness as much as I did.
People tell me that life can go on after losing someone dear, but I utterly refuse to imagine a life without you here, here close to me.
I look back at our dreams left hanging in the air, many of which we postponed until the war ends. We talked so often about that moment; about the day I’d finally return to my home in Gaza. You used to say then, “the war is almost coming to an end my love, it will”.
Since you left, I am no longer afraid when I hear the rockets. I know that a missile has fallen and exploded but not a single hair in me trembles. I do not fear anything anymore because I am certain now that rockets will not kill you now. It will not touch you anymore. At least, such thought brings me some relief and makes me feel safe.
How many times we spoke about my graduation from the university!
How many wishes we had!
We planned to get engaged before that day. In God’s will you said, we’ll be together before your graduation. We were going to try; try so hard, but I haven’t graduated up till now, my love. I don’t even dream about graduation now. All is gone. Life is meaningless for me now; Meaningless, even if the war ends.
Bilal is no longer here and that means:
No more dreams,
No more discussions related to the details of our engagement and that blue dress I always told you about.
No more morning calls to help me face this war each day; calls that motivated me to wake up every morning.
No children’s names to discuss. We hadn’t even finished suggesting names for all of them.
No more gifted songs. Our playlist, four and a half years long, stops here.
No more silly arguments. No more sadness.
No more quick, short walks from Nusirat to Gaza just to catch a quick glance from afar, even if only for five minutes.
No more bouquets. I kept every single flower you gave me and dried it between the pages of my books in Gaza.
No more gifts. Bilal had a special taste in choosing gifts.
No more dreams of my graduation celebrations, as I no longer care about graduating.
No more gifts for you. I always loved buying you clothes. You always told me how much you liked my taste.
Our families won’t get to know each other anymore. We were always excited to see that.
And…
No more feeling of safety, my love.
I always knew how strong you were, my love. What happened to you? Did they break you?
You hurt me.
I’ll spend my entire life grieving, my love.
I ask, “doesn’t he deserve a lifetime of tears?”
Of course, he does.
You deserve that I pray every day and ask God to reunite us.
Day and night, all I think about is that moment when I’ll be with you again.
I know deep in my heart that you miss me just the same way as I do. Maybe, more.
I know that you long for me as much as I do.
How can my heart bear all this? You know how fragile my heart is! Weak. I cannot deal with a little wound. My heart has never known anyone but you. It was only you who held it. I feel you here, around me every second.
I love you as much as you did.
I love you as much as your departure has broken my heart, my love.
I will spend my entire life talking about your tenderness; about your heart in which I nested for years; about your warmth. Oh! How warm you were!
Why were you so perfect?
Why does your absence hurt me this much?
Why did you leave me no room to forget any of this?
How can I forget all that?!
I’ll be waiting for you my entire life, my love.
I’ll wait for you a lifetime beyond my own.
I’ll wait for you so we can fulfill all our dreams together.
Our story was destined to remain endless forever.
Habiba Al
1/8/2024
