After almost ten years of my struggle against depression, I, hereby, announce that I give up. Honestly, nothing in life matters to me anymore. I stopped taking my medication around a week ago, after the doctors failed to treat me throughout the past years. Now, I live with severe disturbances that could put an end to my life at any moment. This comes after I tried all kinds of antidepressants, and after I refused to undergo electroconvulsive therapy in the past.
Throughout this journey, the one thing that always comforted me, was the idea of death. I found deep solace in its presence. I always felt a kind of familiarity with the fact that death is an option one can choose whenever one wishes. I won’t lie if I say that I often envy those who are gone before me.
What harms me most is my heart which I cannot control. Sometimes, I feel that the least disturbing situation I face can turn into a thick rope around my neck and I cannot escape it. I witnessed many tragic scenes; ones that I cannot clear myself from. I passed through all this path by myself. Perhaps, what keeps me disciplined now is the presence of death as a final choice.
I tried in every possible way to overcome this cancerous feeling that is eating me up. I am not weak, as everyone around me used to claim. I was even stronger than all of them the entire time despite my intense psychological fragility. I was a good friend to many of them, as well as a bad one to others, too. I was a child who always asked about the meaning of everything, while the whole world was a controlling lecturer over the students.
I do not know what will happen in the coming days. I cannot tell how my severe panic attacks, sleepless nights, and suicidal thoughts will end. I am not aware of the reason behind everything including the message I received from my friend, “I love you, buddy” on that same day when he committed suicide. However, what I am certain of is that today I am closer to the truth than I have ever been throughout all my life. Today, I’m stripping away all the precautions which kept me away from reaching it.
I have always complained about life in front of you all. I tried not to accept this miserable reality, however, today, I feel a deep sense of peace as I am opening my heart to you and declaring that I am giving up. That was the peace I was searching for in the wrong place. Perhaps, the one I ignored deliberately many times.
In any case, I shall stop trying now. I shall put an end to my complaints completely. I shall get lost in my turbulent thoughts which have not rested for more than ten years.
Here I am, releasing my tightly closed hand which I held all these years. I am letting it go free, while I am whispering to myself: “Let the pain end”.
Bahaa Shahera Rauf
14/5/2025
